The Weekend Obituary

6 Feet Under- A lot has happened this past weekend, especially when we considered all the things, living and inanimate, that left this earthly plain. First, Supreme Court Justice and token white-man-in-a-powerful-office Antonin Scalia died on February 13, making every liberal an awkward mixture of happy and sad. Sad because a man had died; happy because he was kind of a tool. Justice Scalia, your crazy dissents will neve be matched.

Next, we mourn the death of Jim Gilmore's presidential campaign, who dropped of the 2016 race on February 12. After receiving effectively 0% of the votes in Iowa and New Hampshire and attending none of the primetime Republican debates, Jim must have had some doubts. Those doubts didn't intervene quickly enough to stop him from paying the ballot fees for South Carolina though. Jim Gilmore, we didn't know you, at all, because you were never at any of the important debates and because Donald Trump dominates the news, but you will be sorely missed (as sorely missed as a man you don't know anything about can be missed).

Nowhere was there more death than in the English Premier League this weekend. We grieve the death of Manchester City's title contention in the English Premier League. There hasn't been an official autopsy, but it would appear that City was killed by Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen. City now sits six points from the top and are historically poor against the other top clubs in the EPL. We would also like send our thoughts and prayers to all the supporters of Aston Villa, who were nuked by Liverpool 6-0 on February 14. Truly the St. Valentine's Day Massacre of our time. Villa captain, Micah Richards, very well might meet the same fate as the real St. Valentine, who was beheaded at the behest of Emporer Claudius.

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