The Weekend Obituary

6 Feet Under- After a particularly gruesome weekend, we here at Hey! News find it our responsibility to celebrate the lives of the fallen, both animate and inanimate. With that being said, let us begin.

First (and this is more of a hope that an actual fact), we mourn the death of all-white Oscar shows. Chris Rock at last night's Academy Awards Ceremony put the Academy's nuts on the chopping block during his opening monologue, commenting on the #OscarSoWhite movement. With any luck, this year will be the final kick in the pants for the Academy to embrace even the most marginal amount of diversity.

Also at last night's ceremony we witnessed the end of an era. We all knew it was coming, but we just couldn't bare to accept it. Leo has finally won an Oscar and with his victory we have lost an age-old joke, one that allowed Average Joes to say, "I have the same amount of Oscars as Leo DiCaprio." Granted, that joke was pretty fucking annoying after being repeated for like 10 years, but it is sad to see it go. However, we can still joke that Three 6 Mafia and Leo have the same amount of Oscar wins.

Next, we mourn the loss of all the hopes and dreams of the Oklahoma City Thunder, who were the latest victim of Stephen Curry and his lethal basketball skills. Though OKC forced overtime play, all they really did was give Chef Curry the chance to hit a game-winning 3-pointer from so downtown it might as well have been the damn parking lot, leaving 0.6 seconds left on the clock. With this victory, the Golden State Warriors have already clinched a playoff birth with a considerable amount of the regular season left to go. Plenty of time to clown on other teams with pitiful, non-record-breaking teams.

Finally, we want to bid farewell to Nathan Aké, a Chelsea loanee at Watford FC, who fell into a lion's den that apparently is surrounds Watford's pitch. You can watch the video of him descending, like Daniel in The Bible, into the den here. Seriously though, who the fuck builds a damn lion's den or mote or prison around the field? How did Watford even get it's hands on a few lions to fill this den? What would their water source be for the mote? If it is a jail, who the hell designed it? There isn't a damn roof. In the video it seems like Aké really falls through a portal of sorts after entirely disappearing from the video for a second, before reappearing at the bottom of the den. Luckily, he got the fuck out of there before Watford decided to release the lion's.

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